Happiness Is...

I have come such a long way since last year. Since my last post I have been a journey of self discovery. The journey is never ending and still perfect. I have taken all of the love I was giving away and giving it all to myself and it is wonderful!

I have found peace in my mind and spirit. I know now there is nothing more important than that I feel good. My feeling good and happy is my number one goal for me. The Universe has opened so many new doors for me and my desires are manifesting right in front of my eyes. I have become a student of metaphysics and The Law of Attraction. I know that many of the things that happened to me were a direct result of my own thoughts, vibrations, and behaviors.

Now I know better and I can do better. I direct my own destiny and my thoughts dictate what happens to me. What happens in my mind ends up happening in my life. I keep a positive attitude and choose positive and happy thoughts. God has allowed me to be an active part of this wisdom. All I can do is share it!!

Some may call my new attitude selfish. It may be just that. However, the point is that my being selfish allows me to be happy and positive. That way I can be in the moment for the people who need me and allow my happiness to rub off on them. I am no longer clouded by thoughts and memories of pain or heartbreak. I have the clarity to be in the Now and dictate the positive atmosphere around me, which effects everyone who comes in contact with me. If I am happy inside, it will show outside!!

I have purged my life of unwanted and unhealthy things and people. I've bettered my overall health and lost 20 pounds since my last post. All of this because I put the love of God and Myself FIRST. I think of myself before I do anything. I think "will doing this make ME happy?? Will It make ME feel good?" If someone is in my life doing something I do not like. If it does not make me feel good the person must go...Gone...BYE!! I feel no guilt in doing this. I have no control over other peoples lives but I can and will dictate what happens in mine.

I have so many wonderful things happening and wonderful things to write about...My love life has changed completely. Ugh...I CAN'T WAIT TO WRITE ABOUT IT!!! However, this meeting must come to an end....
We shall chat later...

The Abyss Of Bitterness

For those of you reading my work, I must make it clear that even with my many heartbreaks and disappointments this year, I am far from bitter or damaged goods.

Writing helps me to see the mistakes I have made over that past year. I write to purge my hurt and anger so that it does not eat me up inside.

I live in Baltimore MD. I call it "The land of bitter hateful women". I see it everyday and I refuse to become one of them. However, I do understand how they got there.

I know that everything Ive given in my past relationships was out of love in its purest form. Therefore, I also know all of my goodness I gave will come back to me ten fold. I get excited just thinking about it.

I refuse to let the stupidity and immaturity of a man stop me from growing and seeking the love I know I deserve. I learn from every setback and then I move on. Once Ive moved on is usually when they suddenly "get it" and want to come back into my life.

I know the mistakes I made in love in 2008. I so look forward to 2009 and doing things differently to get the results I desire when it comes to love and relationships. 2008 was a hard year for me. However I know my footsteps are ordered by God and everything that happened had a purpose and a lesson. Now I look forward to putting the lessons into practice.

I am excited about my journey and keeping a running blog on every experience!!!!

More Of The Same

I wrote about being mislead at the top of the year

Now here I am at the end hurting over the same

He was here

Seemingly perfect

Did all the right things

We had a more than perfect connection

Liked the same things

Would spend days just being together

Sometimes not leaving the house

Just hanging out

Wallowing in eachothers company

He told me he wanted something real
he was tired of relationships that only last a few months
He wanted to know love for real
We talked about everything
Nothing was off limits
We worked through everything
He was so much more than a lover
He was my friend
My right arm
My hip
My Baby
Then
It came
He said he wasn't sure what he wanted
He didn't want to stay around only to hurt me
He needed "time" to get himself "together"
So I fought
Then I kissed him
Told him how much I loved him
and I let him go
How is it fair to go from seeing him everyday
To a text message maybe every other day
How do you just ...
Leave
Like we never were
I miss his presence
His laugh
Watching him watch TV
Being frustrated at his loud snoring
Sleeping in his arms
Or with my face in his back
I miss him so
I miss him as much as I feel abandoned
So what do I do now??

Being Used

Coming to terms with being used is one of the hardest realities to face. you meet someone who You trust them enough to give your most precious commodity...your body. They go far enough to earn your trust and faith, then when they achieve their misson, they toss you away like yesterdays trash.
When you finally come to terms with what has happened, you may find yourself sitting alone wondering..Was it something I did? Was it something I said? He seemed so perfect. He said he wanted the same things I did...Love..honesty...partnership. How did I miss the signs?
Then you constantly ask people their opinions on what happened. Telling the story from your side..since its the only side you have. He doesn't call anymore so you can't ask him.
You are stuck in the pain
Not understanding how life could be so unfair
You did everything right
You feel stupid
"How could I have been so stupid??"
You like him so much
You miss him so much
You know deep down, past all the rationalizations and excuses...hes gone
It hurts so much
He wasn't even man enough to tell you
He just dipped out
It hurts so much
no rhyme
no reason
"God, why me? He made me believe he was in it too! I feel like such a fool. I am such a fool!"
It hurts so much
Then God says.."Dry your eyes baby girl. I know it hurts. But its temporary. I got this. I will take care of it. I got you."
So you hurt
and grieve
Praying for the day
When he and the pain
are a distant memory...

Just Say So!!

Why is it that some men feel the need to lie about their intentions? Why can't they just be honest about what they want? They either don't know or don't care about the pain they cause when they earn a womans trust, make her feel secure, and as soon as she lets down her guard..BAM HE'S GONE!!!
If hes looking for sex..Just say so
If hes not looking for anything serious..Just say so
But its so unfair to be a woman stuck with a bunch of unresolved wondering what the hell happened.
Then as soon as a woman lashes out over the pain or shows any aftershocks what so ever, she considered having "baggage".
Well HELL YES SHE HAS BAGGAGE!!
When you lie to someone their choices are taken away. Men who lie about their intentions or even have a change a heart but fail to let the woman know about it, are taking her choices away. She is not given the choice by the truth to say, "Hey, you know what, I like you but a physical relationship is not for me. Thanks for the interest though."
Instead she is mislead into thinking he wants what she does..when actually all he really wants is to see her naked a few times..then hes bored and finished.
Men don't seem to care to understand that type of pain. To be left behind like trash or an old toy without an explaination. They seem to be able to walk away so easily.
Not caring about the bleeding bodies they leave behind for the next poor sap to try to patch up.